Home From Within Page 3

  Both girls’ eyes lit up. “Cool,” they said. The girls started making idle interrogation: How come you didn’t go to Wallace? How come we never see you on your bike or at the pool? How come you don’t hang out in the neighborhood?

  The only answer she could muster up was, “Uh well, I’m not sure.”

  “So you hang out with Marilee’s family?”

  Jessica’s uneasiness was starting to wear away, or maybe her patience. “Uh, like her parents and siblings?”

  Yellow shirt girl smiled. “Yeah, her brother and stuff.”

  “Sometimes. But mostly it’s me and Marilee.”

  “Cool. We should hang out. I know it’s the first day and all, but I heard a senior is throwing a bash on the river bottom at LaBart Woods.”

  “Tonight?” Jessica questioned, and then wished she could take it back, not wanting to be perceived as a dork.

  The yellow shirt girl sneered, “Well yeah, today is the first day of school.”

  “I don’t think I can go.”

  “What about Marilee and her brother Eddie?”

  “Well, maybe,” Jessica said, not wanting Marilee and Eddie to look like dorks too.

  “Oh shit. I gotta get home,” said yellow shirt girl after looking at her watch. “I gotta babysit my brothers till my mom gets home from work.”

  Before she could stop herself, Jessica asked what time it was.

  “Three thirty.”

  “I have to go,” she said and ran the two blocks home, not caring what those girls thought of her anymore.

  Her mother was on the front porch. As Jessica got closer, she could see her mother’s eyebrows pulled together. “Where have you been?”

  Jessica tried to catch her breath. “Talking to some girls from homeroom.”

  “What girls? Where are they?”

  “They’re back that way. I ran home as soon as I realized I was five minutes late.”

  Her mother looked unconvinced. “Come in the house and get cleaned up. Then we’ll talk.”

  Jessica stepped in and saw a vase of brightly colored flowers on the dining room table. Walking over to smell them, she noticed a card attached.

  “That’s from Lodi,” her mother said as she zipped past the dining room and into the kitchen. Jessica was about to rip open the tiny envelope but realized it had already been opened.

  “You are entering an exciting new chapter of your life. Remember we are cheering you on. I hope your first day of high school is as beautiful as the young woman you are becoming. Love, Aunt Lodi, Mom, and Dad.” Jessica smirked; this was all Aunt Lodi.

  Jessica placed the flowers on her bedside table, and after washing her hands, changing her clothes, and emptying her backpack, she sat and waited for her mother on the leather couch in the office. The office was where all the “talks” took place. Bookshelves were filled from floor to ceiling and ran the length of one wall. Vietnam-era pictures, awards, and antique weapons hung on the opposite wall. There were also two trophy-winning whitetail and bullheads for all to see. A display of absolute masculinity, Jessica realized as she got older. A large walnut desk was placed alongside the French doors that faced the backyard, that way her father could keep an eye on her and Jason. The only object that creeped her out was the black bearskin rug. She hated that her father killed that glorious animal just for it to be stepped on. They didn’t even eat the meat like they did with the deer and elk. Jessica sat up tall upon her mother entering the room. Her mother rolled the brown leather desk chair to the middle of the room, right beside the angry face of the bear.

  “We need to discuss the situation that happened this morning. You left the house without permission.” Her mother held up her fingers that were finely filed down but never held any polish, to count out just how many bad acts Jessica had committed. “You wore clothing we would never approve of, you did not eat breakfast, and you did not bring your Mace.” Jessica was surprised by the last statement. Her father ingrained in her the importance of keeping herself protected against the unknown. She always had her Mace with her. The fact that she forgot it made her feel askew.

  “I forgot my Mace?”

  “Yes, you left it in your underwear drawer.” Jessica was used to the invasion of privacy, but this time felt a twinge in her throat. “Now, I understand you are experiencing new things, but the rules here still apply.”

  “I’m sorry I forgot my Mace. I won’t let that happen again.”

  “Your clothing is another issue. You cannot wear skintight clothing. Your father would never approve,” her mother said, tucking her chin-length brown hair behind her ears.

  “So what do you want me to wear?”

  “You have plenty of clothes that I bought you, but I will carve out a few hours this week to take you shopping for some warmer items.”

  Jessica felt heat flood her veins. Her mother was ruining her high school career.

  “Do you have any questions?”

  “No.”

  Jessica made her way up to her doorless room, falling onto her bed and burying her face in her pillow. Images of her in the hallways of Heritage with students surrounding her, pointing and laughing at her baggy clothes filled her brain. She shook her head in the pillow to pry out the images while holding in the tears.

  At the first sight of Marilee on the corner the next morning, Jessica burst into tears.

  “Ohmigod, what’s wrong?”

  “Look at …”

  “Your clothes. Your mother got to you.” Jessica nodded. Marilee surveyed her up and down. Suddenly her eyes flashed as she grabbed Jessica’s hands. “Stay put. I’ll be right back.”

  Marilee ran home and came back in less than three minutes with clothes stuffed in her backpack.

  “I pulled out pants that are a little short on me, so they should fit you. And that cute red top you like. You sneak out the clothing your mother hates. I’ll keep it at my house and bring you an outfit every day. You can change at school … or how ’bout the garage?”

  “Ohmigod, I can change in your garage and no one would see me walk to school looking like this.”

  The girls smiled at the plan.

  They jogged to school so Jessica could change before the first bell rang. Marilee’s jeans fit perfectly and despite the shoes being a little big, they were way cooler than the penny loafers her mother made her wear.

  Still out of breath from jogging, Jessica made her way to algebra with Mrs. Hittenbach. She entered the room and instinctively made a beeline to the safety of the back. However, all of the seats were taken so she made a split-second decision and ended up in the middle of the second row. Sitting perfectly still for a moment she tried to calm down her insides, which felt like a terrible storm, all windblown and tattered, and focused on only the teacher’s voice to help set her straight. It worked. Mrs. Hittenbach had the voice of an angel. She sang, in verse, the rules of her class and the goals of Algebra, or at least that’s how Jessica heard it. It reminded her of Sunday church hymns. Even though Jessica’s voice was not on pitch most of the time, she found solace singing loud in church. It was the only place she felt she could express herself without the critical eye of her parents. At least that of her mother since her father would not step foot in church. He never made them feel like they were doing anything wrong by going every Sunday, but he made it very clear he wanted nothing to do with organized religion.

  “When I die, do not have a church service for me. I want to be cremated and my ashes poured on Lodi’s property,” he announced one night at dinner.

  “Cremated and ashes poured on Lodi’s property?” her mother choked out. “How could you not want your exit to be filled with love from your family and God?”

  Her father smirked. “Katherine, your God and my God are not one in the same. And you are to do as I wish.” And that was the end of that. Jessica knew not to prod or ask more exploratory questions. That led to two responses: none of your business and none of your damn business.

  As Jessica immersed herself
in the first week at Heritage, she made a conscious effort to say hi to more students. The effort to make friends was a great distraction from how she really felt on the inside—all knotted up. But no matter how much she psyched herself up, she felt self-conscious in front of Paul. In homeroom, she veered away from him, sitting as far away as she could. Her mind and body took over, almost preaching, “This one is out of your league. Stay away!” Mrs. Daley was always a warm presence, asking the students about their week and taking a genuine interest in them as people. Jessica could not help but smile at her thoughtfulness and take refuge in her comfort.

  On Friday, Mrs. Daley summoned Jessica to her desk and told her that because of Jessica’s respectful manner through the first week of school, Jessica was allotted the most trusted homeroom job position: attendance delivery. Jessica was to bring the attendance card from homeroom to the office each morning. Anyone marked absent in homeroom got a call home. A student only had to attend homeroom and would be counted for being in school all day.

  However, in the wrong hands, the attendance sheet could be altered on the way from homeroom to the office, ensuring that kids who cut class could not be detected, at least until report card pickup.

  Jessica felt honored and a little embarrassed by the news. She figured out pretty quickly that kids who appeared really smart or highly responsible got made fun of. Not always to their face, but it was another way students pecked out social order in high school. But in Mrs. Daley’s classroom, there would be none of that. In that first week alone, she gave looks, had private talking-tos, and if needed, would make someone feel stupid for even thinking about laughing at another student in her presence. And once again, Jessica thanked God she had Mrs. Daley in her life.

  Chapter 5

  Jessica plodded through the first two months of high school hinged to the only two people who made her feel safe: Marilee and Mrs. Daley. She continued to change her clothes in the Ripp’s garage; Julie even donated a few items that did not fit her anymore. Eddie got clued in to what was happening when he was not allowed access to the garage by Marilee. Jessica, sporting her cool hand-me-downs, looked at him with pleading eyes.

  “Don’t worry. I won’t tell anyone,” Eddie said. “But make sure Dad doesn’t find out. That’s one secret he will not keep from Mr. Turner.”

  Jessica also spent the first two months working on overcoming her shyness with Paul. Despite having no bedroom privacy, she would sneak hours in front of the mirror, practicing how to talk to Paul without trembling, or at least with less redness in her face. And in homeroom it was working. Jessica purposely sat near Paul and a small group of his friends and would push herself to engage in the casual conversation being offered. Often she had nothing to contribute because she did not attend concerts or play video games, and radio or TV time was off-limits in her home. But on a few occasions, topics came up that she could comment on. One day everyone was sharing their favorite color, and Jessica said hers was green. Paul said that was his favorite too.

  “What’s your favorite dessert?” Paul asked Jessica.

  Jessica’s mother made the best Baked Alaska, but Jessica thought that would not be something most kids her age knew about, so she quickly thought of a dessert all kids seemed to enjoy.

  “Chocolate cake.”

  “Pudding in the middle or no pudding?” Paul volleyed back.

  Jessica never had chocolate cake with pudding in the middle, but it sounded divine so she went with her taste buds.

  “Pudding, of course.”

  Paul’s smile reached his eyes as he looked at Jessica and suddenly she felt like she scored some points, so she sat a little taller in her chair.

  The time she’d spent with Mary Carter had propelled Jessica into a higher plane. She earned straight As without much effort and was placed in accelerated classes for math and English. In just the first two months of school, Mrs. Daley invited her to join the Honors Society. Jessica also joined Key Club, an organization that worked on service projects throughout the city. Two excellent reasons not to go home after school.

  In October, the Key Club went to a community center in a Chicago neighborhood that had a high concentration of poverty and helped elementary students with a project they were working on. Her community project was focused on how to get kids to stop littering on the flawless lawns of the homes surrounding Heritage. The harsh realism that their community service project differed vastly from hers became highly evident. The other students were concerned with shootings, drug use, and lack of jobs. She felt downright spoiled that she did not have to contend with flying bullets or drugged-out parents. Although her parents were far from relaxed, she could not remember a time when a substance influenced them caring for her. Her mother would enjoy a glass of wine now and then, but her father stayed away from the stuff. He wanted nothing that would dull his senses, although Jessica did remember a time at Aunt Lodi’s big birthday bash.

  Aunt Lodi loved to celebrate, and even the smallest occasion would make her want to bake a cake. One year she decided to throw herself a birthday bash and insisted that they all come to Cedar Creek for the weekend. Jessica was ecstatic at an additional chance to see Aunt Lodi. Even though Jessica usually saw her three times a year, she wanted more; Aunt Lodi was contagious, making even the most guarded ease themselves into the pool of calm water she offered. Jessica noticed that in the company of his sister, her father’s appearance changed. The brow that looked as if it had been frozen with creases loosened, and the harsh lines that framed his green eyes and even the scar below his left eye faded, as if he had used one of her mother’s miracle beauty products. His body relaxed, allowing Aunt Lodi to put her arm around it and pull him from person to person. Jessica even heard him laugh out loud. She remembered walking over and looking up at his mass of muscle. He had a beer in hand. As he looked down at her tiny frame with a smile that made his face look inviting, he put his arm around her neck and laughingly introduced her to the other men. Jessica wanted to know more about these men. What were they doing that would make him change into good-time Jim? As she got older, she realized that while the men may have been funny, the beer is what made him human. Once she made that connection, she started asking her mother to buy some beer for Dad because he enjoyed it so much at Aunt Lodi’s bash. Her mother met her request with a quick response: “No.”

  During Biology, a girl at their table tried to convince Jessica to give her the answers to their homework. She had received an F on an earlier assignment and was afraid that her parents would ground her if she did not produce an A. Jessica’s pulse quickened, and her voice quivered because she really wanted to fit in, but not at the expense of cheating. So she said no.

  “Come on, I need some help,” the girl whispered again.

  Jessica noticed that Paul was studying the situation, but she shook her head and went back to working on the Biology assignment. Then she heard the girl whisper, “Bitch.”

  “You’re the bitch,” Paul said. “Do your own work.”

  “Peterson, did you swear in my classroom?” Mr. Wilberg announced loudly.

  Paul said yes, and Mr. Wilberg kicked him out. Jessica felt horrible and was about to say she was sorry when Paul winked at her as he collected his things and then walked toward the door. Before stepping into the hallway, he looked back toward Jessica and gave her a quick grin.

  “Is that your boyfriend?” another girl at their table asked. Jessica quietly said no, but her heart thumped a little harder.

  Jessica noticed she was getting more attention from boys. It took her a few weeks, but she eventually figured out that two boys in homeroom, Mike and Jeff, appeared to like her but really wanted to use her. She was, after all, the deliverer. They would try to move closer to her seat in homeroom, be extra nice whenever they saw her in the hallway, and invite her to parties. Jessica took notice when Mrs. Daley would narrow her eyes. The look on Mrs. Daley’s face said it all: they were trying to play her for a fool. Jessica, having been raised by a Green Beret
, was ingrained with the values of loyalty, duty, and honor. That was one thing she was very clear on: she would never let the integrity of her job suffer because of some boys.

  But there was one boy who entered her thoughts often. In the same small group for Humanities, Paul and Jessica spent a lot of time together working on the class project and started to connect on a level that was brand-new to her. At night, she would lie in bed and fantasize that she was his girlfriend. They would go outside for lunch and he would hold her hand. He would look at her with a gentle smile and tell her he liked her a lot. For some reason, she could not shake Marilee from her fantasy. She would be along too, with about five boys dragging behind vying for her attention. And she would jabber away, trying to decide, out loud, which one she should pick. Paul would give an exasperated look and Jessica would just smile.

  Jessica believed Paul also enjoyed her company. He always smiled when he saw her, and he would wait for her so they could walk to class together. Paul also made her feel protected. In homeroom, his cool eyes would turn icy when Mike and Jeff pulled their chairs closer to Jessica, trying to worm their way into her good graces. Jessica gave them no reason to continue, but they still tried daily.

  As Jessica and Paul walked to Biology one day, she took notice of Jeff, who followed behind them.

  “Hey, Jessica. I need to ask you something, alone.”

  Jessica looked at him confused, but Paul asked, “Why? You gonna ask her out?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Are you fuckin’ high?” Paul retorted before Jessica had a chance to respond. “She doesn’t want to go out with you.” Jeff stepped in front of them and put his arm out so they both had to stop.

  “I’m asking her, not you.”

  Jessica felt feverish. “Well, uh … you know, I have to think about it.”

  Jeff looked surprised and Paul looked pissed.

  “Think about it? What’s there to think about?”

  “Because she knows you ain’t nothin’ but a dog,” Paul said.

  “What’s your problem, man? I’m just trying to take a nice girl out to McDonalds.”